09‏/05‏/2021

am i a good guy now ?

One day I had the chance to talk with a non arabic  women 

We didn talk that much , but at least we had I guess like one and half hour !

But one of the most important things we talked about was , that I’m a casual Arabian guy who dosent even give a shit about anything ,  but there is somethings I don’t care about BUT I know that I should start taking care of these things , like doing  my prayers which is a high priority .

Because most of the words I used while talking was referring to unbelief, or disbelief to some extent
and when I left , I thought about what I was saying , and OMG , WTF was I talking about ! did I reach that point ! already ? dang it , that was fast !.

Days passed < a lot of them to be honest without even thinking about it or even trying to change these thoughts.
I have a cat and it’s the most beloved thing to me after my mom!
and it’s the most thing I talk about everywhere ,
literally everywhere  especially the workplace
one of the guys I work with , every single time I mention my cat for any reason he goes:
OMG , no , not again dude come on , don’t talk to me about your cat that u found in a GODDAMN diaper on a GODAMN trashcan ! that’s his words every single time I mention my cat , one day I started talking about it but for the first time he said something deferent ! WAIT WHAT , what did u just said ? I said .
I said are you mentioning the cat just to
to fill in my counters,  which means trying to provoc me ?

I said no! i guess ! , Then why TH are u telling me about it ? he said
well , because you are the only one around and maybe because you are the closest one to me here , I said.

Imagen his answer ! Ooh if thats so then talk about it anytime its ok.

These words after the conversation , if I decided to talk about what it means it will take for ever , so lets not talk about it !
I felt bad for my self after these words , like , why am I FKN doing this ?
lets just  say it’s a simple reason , I need someone to listen to me < OMG that’s not a simple reason its a HUGE not !

As a muslim community,  we don’t usually use the word allah is listening ! but we know for a fact that if you want something , ask allah and he will answer !
my mom always told me to do my prayers and ask allah for anything  I  want , ANYTHING !.
so , I decided finally to
be ashamed of myself  and start doing my prayers once again ! < yeah again , I used to do it  , but for some reason , SATAN was there and he FUCKED everything up, that stupid SOB.

And what I found out that nothing much changed , except for some small little  thing
like for example :

Now I can sleep without being worry that if I died , I would be dying without being a good guy  
Now I don’t have to talk about my cat ! and even if I said anything about it , he doesn’t argue , he doesn’t stop you from talking , he just listen .
 and boy OH boy how good is that , how much
comfortable that feeling is !
to know that there is someone always there for you , he listen , he cares about you , and he have a lot of good thing for you .

That’s it , I feel good about my self right now .

 

 

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24‏/04‏/2021

cry it out

 


I’m certain that the corner misses me , yeah she misses me , no no , you know? ! she actually doesn’t. she misses the villain , he used to do all the talks , he decide what tomorrow will be !. He decides what am I supposed to be the next day , a sick person , disturbed, happy , joker , he picks how my hair should look like , scattered if he is mad , stylish if he feels like it . Still , I like it tho , I like how all this shit works , I like it when you don’t have to think about anything , I like it where there is a something inside you which decides what to do for your self. Oh yeah , I forgot about the corner , how silly it is when the villain actually decides to take control of the keyboard just to compliment him self whilst your typing, huh , how weird ! So , the corner , the memories , the thoughts which I don’t remember any of ! and I have no idea what it is all about just sitting there , listening to what my friend talks about , you know I’m the one who does the living , I send , and he shall receives , he just keeps talking about what I have done this day and what I should’ve did and what I should’ve not. Well , I guess the only thing I had the chance to type it in this whole nonsense is that he is my friend ! , or did I ?
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The villain inside me

 


There is a villain inside of me a villain who talks to me every single day and night he want to go out, he want to feel the freedom in the outside, The last time I talked to him, I tried to convince him that he should not even think about leaving because world is not as he think it is , it not the same way I see it . imagine the amount of contradiction between how i see the world and how i feel it that’s a thing I want to prevent the villain inside of seeing it , I don’t want him to be disappointed of the way I live , or the way I’m dealing with the world around me. I have to lie just to make the people around me feel comfortable about them selves , I have to be a good hypocrite , why you may ask !, well , people love hypocrites , and for a simple reason , because they know how to talk , how to arrange words , how to fill there sentences with a good shit. Back to my villain , see , there is a big deference between how this villain feel about the way I see world and the way I feel it, because I don’t feel the things with the same way I see it. Ok , for example : I know this society is corrupted from the ground up, literally , but I cant treat it the same way I feel it , and here’s why , in simple words , you will lose it , because you won’t be able to handle it, you will be a victim of thinking , you will draw millions of questions in the matter of seconds, and there is that question that you will never forget, a question that will always be on the tip of your tongue why am I still here !? This question could flip your entire life upside down I knew it , I knew this moment is coming no matter what, that villain had a question to ask me , and I gave him the permission to ask that question ! and without any hesitate he planted these words in my brain cells what in the world are you still doing there ? and then he disappeared ! Long story short , I went through a mental breakdown, I was about to burn the whole room with everything inside .. me , my soul , my thoughts . my dreams , and everything i don’t even have , and in the midst of all this nonsense , a bit of chills, something holding my hands , shaking my head violently what are you doing ? think again ! and I've been thinking since then, and asking my self the same question everyday. why am i still here?
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هناك حلقه صغيره مفقوده بين الصغر والكبر أمور كثيرا نسيناها ولا مجال لاعادتها ابدا مهما كانت محتويات هذه الحلقه الصغيره فهي أكبر من كل شيئ نعيشه الان او ما سنعيشه مستقبلا هذه الحلقه لو وجدنا منها شيئا صغيرا ستعود لنا الذكريات وسنجد أن التعاسه التي نعيشها 
الان سببها سعادة ماضينا سعادة أعمارنا الصغيره.... #يتبع #للارشيف #سهل_محادين
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لا مزيد من الإجابات.

 

 
لا مزيد من الإجابات.. فلم يعد لدينا المزيد من الاسئله نحن في الحقيقه لم نعد مضطرين لنسأل المزيد من الاسئله فنحن نعرف الإجابات مسبقاً، فنحن الان أصبح بإمكاننا أن نضع الإجابات التي نريد لأي سؤال قديما كان أو جديد. أصبح لدينا مناعه لكل شيئ.. أصبحنا أقوى من ذي قبل وفي كل الأحوال. أصبحنا نجيد إقناع أنفسنا بأن اللحظات الصعبه ما هي إلا مرحله قصيره وستمر سريعاً لم تعد كلمة "الله بعين" كلمة تستخدم لإنهاء الحوارات بل صار بإمكاننا أن نناقش اي انسان يحاول أن يشاركنا همومه وندفعه للامام ونمسك بيده ونمشي به نحو المستقبل. أصبحت هذه الأمور ببساطه روتين يومي نعيشه دون ملل بل اصبحت صديقاً وفياً لنا أيضاً. نحن الآن من نمسك بزمام الأمور، نحن من زحفنا من جحيم الماضي العفن لنكون اول من يقوم بتحسين أساسيات الحاضر وبدايات المستقبل. لا تتفاجأ عندما تستيقظ من نومك وتكتشف ان كل هذه خرافات لا أساس لها من الصحه فالأمور الان أسهل مما تتوقع.. فقط ضع رأسك فوق الوساده ودع أحلامك تهديك القليل من السعاده فالأحلام ليست أمراً سيئا بل هي حياة أخرى قد تقتلك بشكل أسرع من الواقع. #سهل_محادين #يتبع #للارشيف
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status update

 

 

اصبح الاسفاف في كل شيئ وسيلة لتبرير الغايه الناس يحاولون اثبات وجودهم باي طريقة كانت. كلمة كانت او صورة او حتى تصرف اصبح كل شيئ نفعله او نقوله منوطاً ومسيرا لما يرضي الاخرين لا اريد المبالغه فالانسان لا يعيش لنفسه في زمننا هذا بل يعيش لارضاء شهوات وغرائز وطموح الاخرين ضناً بان التافهين من حوله يهتمون وعلما انه مهما فعل فلا احد يكترث لما يفعل او يقول. الناس يتعمقون كثيرا في كل شيئ ويريدون اثبات جدارتهم ومعرفتهم بكل ما حولهم لا شيئ يستحق كل هذا العناء وكل هذا التعب.. فاترك كل شيئ خلفك ولا تكترث.. ف المرة الوحيده التي سيرونك فيها هي فقط عندما تموت ليتأكدو انك مُتَ مبتسما فيتسنى لهم ان يقومو ب status update لقد مات مبتسماً. #يتبع #للارشيف #سهل_محادين
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اصبح كل شيئ مملا

 


اصبح كل شيئ مملا
 ليس في الاونة الاخيره فقط بل وفي كل وقت وحين وفي كل ساعه وكل دقيقه كل شيئ اصبح محاطا بالغباء والتفاهات ابتداءا بي وانتهاءا بكل من حولي ومن حولهم نفس الوجوه و the same shit everyday لا شيئ يتغير.. حتى الكلمات صارت قديمه وتتكرر باستمرار الناس يمشون كالاموات ورغم محاولاتهم ليحيطو انفسهم بقليل من الامل إلا انهم يعيشون عبيداً ليومهم.. فكلامهم وتصرفاتهم وليدة 
 لحظتهم نعيش الماضي ولا نعرف ولا نهتم بما وكيف سنعيش حاضرنا ومستقبلنا البائس #يتبع #سهل_محادين #للارشيف
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